3 AM Wednesday, 22 March 2012 Nunhead
So a woman who worked on my weekly radio show was telling me about the man of her dreams. We were in a Chinese restaurant near my club after the show – Lewis Schaffer is Free until Famous at the Source Below in Soho. She felt safe with me, having seen me flirt with an entire audience that night including her two male workmates. I was also more 25 years her senior so she didn’t think I would harbor evil thoughts. I was harboring, let me tell you. I always harbor. I think men never stop harboring thoughts.
Her dream man, she opened up, would be over 6’4” – not me. He would speak two languages – not me unless you count English English as a second language. He would be willing to be a stay a home dad – been there and could do it again if the comedy thing doesn’t work out and that looks likely. And he would help her do what she had heard they did in some Asian countries: train babies not to need nappies – or diapers, as they are called in America.
I would say I instantly fell in love but I was already in love. She had seen my show and I love anyone who has seen my show, whether they liked me or not. Man or woman.
Anyone who knows me knows I have two obsessions.
The second is infant potty training.
When I was infant potty training my second son in 2003, I became famous in East Dulwich as “that crazy dad”. At first I was “that American guy”. Then I became “that New York guy”. Finally, I was just “that crazy guy”. I saw that as acceptance.
Back then there were less than ten websites on “infant potty training”, or “elimination communication” as it is clunkily called. Now there are hundreds of thousands of websites and youtube videos. But still it hasn’t caught on. If I believed in conspiracies I would think that the global polluters Huggies and Pampers were suppressing the knowledge that babies of three months or younger don’t need nappies.
I don’t want to bore the non-parent with details as to how it is done. Actually I do. Basically, you let the baby associate the fresh air on their privates with elimination. The baby learns not to pee when he’s clothed. Send a self-addressed stamped envelop with £5 or $8 to Lewis Schaffer, “That Crazy Dad”, Nunhead and I will email you how it’s done.
If you haven’t heard about infant potty training, you probably think I’m a nut. The mother of my children, who entrusted me with their care so she could feed and house them, thought I was a nut, too. Soon after we moved from East Dulwich to neighboring Nunhead she asked me to stop torturing her children and vacate the premises.
The woman tonight could see my passion for infant potty training. After a few minutes on the subject I saw in her eyes the same look I saw in my ex-wife’s and I promptly changed the subject. It was too late.
My advice to men out there: Don’t think about infant potty training.
Regarding Tuesday’s Missing Blog:
Yesterday I missed a day blogging. Late last night, I texted the Huffington Post blogger and my friend John Fleming and asked if it was better that I miss a day or be boring.
His quick reply was “Be boring. It will end up interesting.”
That is typical John Fleming and why I asked. His philosophy is “garbage set free is better than genius hoarded”. I just made that up but I think it sums up his view. He has said dozens of times “It’s fine. Send it out.”
I usually listen to him. I usually agree. I usually don’t send it out.
I’m scared. I can say anything to anyone to their face, and frequently do. But writing is so permanent and so potentially hurtful.
Listen to Lewis Schaffer on the Radio. Nunhead American Radio with Lewis Schaffer every Monday evening at 10:30PM on www.resonancefm.com and 104.4fm London. Or listen to the show’s podcasts at www.bit.ly/NunheadAmericanRadio
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