4 PM 28 March 2012 Wednesday Nunhead Heights

No one read my blog yesterday.

I see the stats. I won’t tell you how few as it would make me look bad. Okay, 34. That is 24 more than attended my show at the Source Below last evening but still not good. Both bad. Yesterday was a bad day.

On average I’ve been getting over a hundred views a day. One day I got 431 views when I went all heartfelt about a dead friend. Saturday I got over 200 when I parsed why I died a comedy death in Morpeth. I assume most of the views of my Morpeth post were from my fellow comics.

Comic Ian Stone pointed out in funny Jo Caulfied’s blog that comics love hearing about their peers’ bad gigs. He is right but I never think I’m the peer of any comic. I am either better than them or worse – but never equal. I’m a hit with comics because I love to talk about my failures. Failure is messy, unpredictable and fun which is why I chase it and why it surrounds me.

Last night was the worst night of the year for attendance at my show. Numbers are always low when the weather is sunny and warm in England. Sunny warm days are rare in England, as you might have heard. No Englishperson wants to descend into a dark basement with a creepy post-middle-aged man on a lovely day. That is my excuse. And okay, I’m a middle-aged man if you expect me to live to 82.

European football was on the television in every pub last night – free. And my show is free – no one has to pay a thing to see my show but football is an even lower risk. Before yesterday I’ve been averaging over 30 a show for months and my venue seats only 40. Warm weather and football combined are the death of my show.

My post yesterday was about my being diagnosed as depressed.

I posted it at 5pm and that affects how many views I get. The earlier the posting the more views it gets. Comedy guru John Fleming taught me that. And I didn’t really promote it on facebook and twitter as the post was about my mother, her birthday, her depression, and the psychiatrist who said I was “chronically depressed”.

It was bit of a downer. A friend said it was “sad”. I’m a comedian – at least I play a comedian at the Source Below and other venues – and my posts should be funny.

And I don’t want anyone to think that I’m mental – which I am but I am not, too, if you know what I mean. I can see The Sun printing “Depressed American Comic Dead” when my death will have nothing to do with that. I’ll have been murdered.

This is my case why I am not really depressed:

I have written posts for 21 straight days. I have written more for public consumption in the past three weeks than I have written in any past year since I was at Bard College back in 1979, and a lot of those words in 1979 were written by other students on my behalf.

I did my radio show on resonance fm the night Monday. I came back from weekend gigs in Northumberland, which is north of Newcastle and south of Scotland. I did my show at the Source last night. I am off to my show again, tonight. Today I wrote this, I paid my council tax, paid my flat service charge and went to the shop. You can’t be depressed and do this much stuff.

But I wrote that I was depressed which I meant at the time. I write in a depressed style which is why I find writing hard. I feel sad and overwhelmed in the quiet of my own flat. I can’t fake it. When I see real people I am happy. I am like a refrigerator light bulb. Open the door and I am on.

Anyway, time to go and be a failure. And that is why I am the Best Comic in England.


Listen to Lewis Schaffer on the Radio.
Nunhead American Radio with Lewis Schaffer every Monday evening at 10:30PM on www.resonancefm.com and 104.4fm London. Or listen to the show’s podcasts at www.bit.ly/NunheadAmericanRadio

See Lewis Schaffer live every Tuesday and Wednesday at the Source Below. Free admission. Reserve at http://bit.ly/londonfreeshow

5 thoughts on “Why I am the Best Comic in England – Part II – Or why no one came to my show or read my blog yesterday

  1. Lewis
    I shall get you your A frame as soon as I can get my daughter to get it off to the printers ….that should bring another two people in…enjoyed doing the radio and sorry if I over stepped the mark by insisting that I take my clothes off..but I did keep my socks on

  2. The light in my refrigerator doesn’t go on, and it’s so dark in there I can’t see where the bulb is. What does that say about my life or my fridge? I enjoy your blog, Lewis, thanks.

  3. Dear funnydepressedbutnottoodepressedtogetthingsdone man,
    You will be funny no matter how many people do (or do not) come to your show. The point is you are doing them. I didn’t find out about Mitch Hedberg until well after his death. I wish he were still around, still performing, I wish I were able to attend his shows. I cannot. But I hope that while he was here, he had a good time with what he was doing, and that he had no regrets.
    And you will probably be depressed at random times no matter the attendance of your shows, the views to your blog, the people you surround yourself with, etc., because the world can be really fucking depressing. Life just sucks sometimes. And the people who don’t understand that either get paid to pretend to “fix” it, or they’re just too moronic to see it.
    Humor often comes from recognizing the general shittiness of the world, and observing it aloud. At times people will be around you and have the privilege of hearing and relating to you, have a laugh, and everyone will feel a little less alone. At times you’ll be by yourself, and hopefully you’ll enjoy making yourself chuckle or at least be glad no one is around to see you doing one-man standup in your underoos. Regardless, you aren’t holed up in your closet, rocking back and forth and wishing the world would end. And that is to be commended.
    The shitty stuff happens so we have something to joke about. The utopian societies never have any decent comics.
    Wordytipsyladywho’shappyshefollows youonTwitter

    1. wow, that is so brilliant:
      ” Regardless, you aren’t holed up in your closet, rocking back and forth and wishing the world would end. And that is to be commended.”

      I have to remember that I am not holed up in my closet, rocking back and forth… though you make that sound like so much fun.

      And I live in England where there aren’t any closets – which is why these people don’t end up rocking back and forth in them.

      “The shitty stuff happens so we have something to joke about. The utopian societies never have any decent comics.” Good too.

      Thank you for reaching out to me. L

Leave a Reply