11:50PM Saturday 5 May 2012 Nunhead Heights.

Dear Show Booker or Promoter

Would you please be so kind as to reconsider booking me for your comedy shows. Here’s why I’m good for any show except for ones with Rich Hall, Scott Capurro, Henning Wenn or Sol Bernstein, as I think they cover the same ground as me.

One, I’m a real abrasive New York Jew and there aren’t many of us working in England. Most have more sense than to leave our home.

Two, I look like I’m going to be funny. Even if the audiences haven’t heard of me – and coincidentally as I write this Ed and Mandi recognise me on the train to London Bridge, they saw my show in Soho – punters will imagine they are seeing a plumper Jerry Seinfeld or a younger Jackie Mason. The  audience will think their getting their money’s worth.

Three, if I am not funny, which is very possible, the audience can claim that Americans aren’t funny. My failure makes  the English very happy. The English take great pride in their  sense of humor which honestly isn’t as good as they believe. And they are hardly a very good audience: all thinking that they are funnier than the comic or most of their friends are funnier than the comic.

Four, I now have the experience to pull it off. When I first arrived in this country, contrary to popular belief, I had never done a 20 minute set – I’d been compering in New York. And then the children came and the divorce and heartache and sorrow … I won’t go into that. And I promise I won’t go into that too much.

Five, I am reliable, sober, on time, and wear an Armanish suit.  I am not going to have the gig pulled because of TV or radio commitments or because I’ve gotten a better gig.

Six, I have made an attempt to drink with you people, I now know how important it is to participate in the customs of the country. I promise I’ll get my round in. And let you buy me one, too.

Seven: I have never, ever, been on a show where the English comics didn’t storm it. Something about having me on a bill makes other comics either raise their game or make audiences appreciate the home grown talent, and by home grown, I think the English feel that includes Canada, Scotland, Ireland, Australia, New Zealand, Wales and Newcastle.

Finally, I have many, many quotes and recommendations, which are good for publicity. Please go to my website at www.lewisschaffer.com and pick and choose.

With regards,

Lewis Schaffer

@lewisschaffer

Listen to Lewis Schaffer on the Radio Nunhead American Radio with Lewis Schaffer every Monday evening at 10:30PM on www.resonancefm.com and 104.4fm London. Or listen to the show’s podcasts at bit.ly/NunheadAmericanRadio

See Lewis Schaffer live every Tuesday and Wednesday at the Source Below. Free admission. Reserve at bit.ly/londonfreeshow

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