11:59pm Saturday 12 May 2012 Nunhead Heights

Deputy Prime Minister Nick Clegg claims he wrote half of the Queen’s Speech to Parliament this year. That doesn’t mean the Queen Elizabeth II wrote the rest. She wrote none of it.

The Queen is coerced to utter someone else’s words – like a forced confession or a forced apology. The Queen’s heart isn’t into it. She probably justifies the speech by thinking, it is, after all, My Government and therefore My Words. As an American visitor* I have not gotten used to the sight of the Queen being humiliated like that.

The Government might as well had the speech taped to a rock – the Stone of Scone, say – and have a House of Commons tour guide read it.

The people of Britain must like to see the royals squirm. I believe that this semi-annual bit of royal place-putting will someday come back to bite this country in the rear. How angry will the royals be when the family returns to full power?

Full power. They’re just waiting for the day when they can say “Off with their heads” again. Wouldn’t you? And they are very good at waiting. King Charles II was forced into a woman’s dress to escape to France. He came back and took his revenge for being forced to live in France. It may be ironic that the next king is probably going to be Charles III.

The Queen’s Speech is one of the many humiliating things the Queen does out of “duty”. Like when she was sent to Ireland last year by the Government. She graciously visited a people who, less than 100 years ago, tossed out her grandfather, killed his soldiers, appropriated his land and castles, even killed her beloved Louis Mountbatten. Yet she smiled at the Irish and acted like nothing had happened to her or her family. That is strong. Someday, I hope to have the strength to go back to my old house where my ex-wife lives with my kids and act like nothing horrible had been done to me.

Nick Clegg is one half of the coalition even though he has maybe ten percent of the votes.  All governments are coalitions and all political parties are coalitions and all marriages are coalitions. As a voter, you have to choose the party that represents your core values and ignore the party’s other minor, possibly odious, values. That is why my party is the Taliban. I don’t like their policies on congestion charges or the Euro but I fully agree with their stance on family issues.

[I found being married similar to being a Liberal Democrat: You think you’re needed but the other side is just waiting for the chance to go it alone.]

The royals have been humiliating themselves a lot lately. Prince Charles is running for King. He is running against the idea of not having a king and against his own son, Prince William, who Brits seem to like more.

Prince Charles has been seen as wanting to be King for ages. He chose a suitably royal wife, Diana, whom he dutifully didn’t really love. No wonder she went mental. And he acted all king-like all the time, with his accent and his breeding, and his high highness stiffness.

The more Charles seemed to want to be King, the more the British didn’t like him. “I want doesn’t get” in this country. That is what children are told from birth. It is very bad form for anyone here to seem to want anything, especially power.  And that is why the Queen is going to live one day longer than Prince Charles, just to teach him a lesson. I want doesn’t get.

Last week Charles read the weather forecast on BBC Scotland. On TV.

Like he was a common comedian or tv personality. It was a cringingly embarrassing thing to see, just as seeing his mother read Nick Clegg’s speech was. Charles is humiliating himself for the British public. That’s a kingly thing to do.

[The British always talk about the Queen’s duties as being in “the British constitution” which is rubbish. The British don’t have a “constitution”. An unwritten constitution isn’t worth the paper it isn’t written on.

Not that you need a constitution for a country to be stable and likeable. A relationship doesn’t need a marriage certificate to be a marriage. The worst dictatorships have the most magnificent constitutions. And the weakest marriages have the strongest pre-nups and most well-written wedding vows. See why I am against gay marriage.]

*[I am an American visitor here even though I have lived in London for 12 years and I take ownership of two English children. Americans can never become British, a blessing we share with French, the Germans and possibly the southern Irish. An Indian or Kenyan can become British. And probably even a Canadian or an Australian. Correct me if I am wrong.]

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