5PM Wednesday 16 May 2012 Nunhead Heights

I am skipping the London Olympics. I will be up in Edinburgh with my show. So what if there will be 216 countries participating? I’ve got more then 216 nations living in my own flat.

I am so bored with foreigners.

My neighbors next door are Nigerian, below me are Somalis and across the way are Guyanese and all around are the English. Mass immigration, World Music, RyanAir, Disney World, The Wire, and international conspiracies – is there any nationality you want to know more about? Not me.

“Oh, my! You’re from New York?!! Really? Tell me, Lewis, what is New York like?”

In London, no one cares that I’m from the Greatest City in The World in the Greatest Country in The World. If they did, they’d have made me a star. But they don’t care and I’m stuck in a basement in Soho. That’s my excuse.

The only country I have a vaguest interest is North Korea because I’ve being reading John Fleming’s blog about his trip there. But you’d have to have been a prisoner in commie concentration camp to get me excited. The rest of you dirty, dirty foreigners: ‘Eff off!

You say the Olympians will be wearing their native costumes? Oh, my!

“Please welcome Teamo de Ecuadoriano in their native dress: New York Yankees hats and Levi’s jeans.”

“Please welcome Team Sierra Leone in their native dress: New York Yankees hats and Levi’s jeans.”

“Please welcome Team Great Britain in their native dress: New York Yankees hats and Levi’s jeans.”

How boringly the same everyone is – except for the Australians – who hold a weird fascination to me. The rest of the world: Yawn.

This small world has made foreigners uninteresting just as as internet porn has turned men away from sex. That is my excuse.

And what about judging a country based on how well it does in the Olympics medal count? Like, is Great Britain (wherever that is) a better country if they’ve got talent in skeet shooting, water dancing or  pitch and putt golf?

The Olympics are just lifting and putting stuff down; running from here to there; shooting shit; and playing sports you can watch on the telly the rest of the year. That’s nothing but your usual 15 minutes in Peckham.

And the other events are just sports rich people do to take their minds off the starving people in the rest of the world who don’t have time to do Olympic sports: Horse stuff and sailing and flying in to watch the Olympics.

All the participants share one thing in common: they practice a lot. That means they have good parents. They participants having parents willing to wake up at 4 o’clock in the morning to drive their kids to archery lessons or swimming sessions. They have parents who have  instilled a sense of drive and hard work that my children have never seen, at least from their father. Those foreigners are always gonna beat my kids at that.

That’s why I will be taking a pass on the Olympics. I hope the Olympics is rubbish cause it would kill me if it turned out to be amazing and I missed it by going to the Edinburgh Fringe with my show. It’ll be the foreigners’ fault I missed it. That’ll be my excuse.

Lewis Schaffer is Free until Famous in Edinburgh “No, YOU Shut up”

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