1 AM Friday 15 June 2012 Nunhead Heights

 [I wrote this on Tuesday but I have sat on it cause it doesn't have a shred of humor and those affected won't need [or desire] to read it and the rest of you won’t care.]

Today [Tuesday] was my friend Dieter’s funeral at St. John’s at Goose Green, East Dulwich. His family and friends at the service spoke about what a lovely guy he was. And he was a lovely guy.

They didn’t speak of the horror of his life.

The mother of his first son would only allow him to be with Dieter one day a week – Saturday from 11 to 5. No overnight stays for his son at his father’s house. And if Dieter had to work on Saturday the mother wouldn’t allow him to change it to the Sunday. He could see his son or keep his job.

He asked the court to speak to the mother. Please ask her to allow her son to spend a night at his house. He asked the court for a bit more, please.

“I want doesn’t get” in this country. Never, ever, ask for anything in England and probably Wales, Scotland and Northern Ireland, too. That is lesson number one. Look what happened to Oliver when he asked for a bit more.

And definitely don’t want to be with your children. That is Lesson Number Two.

The British society doesn’t trust anyone who would want to be with their children. Looking after children is something parents have to do, not want to do, and best if left to strangers. The Government is working hard to help keep children from their parents by giving parents free childcare, early education, creches, boarding schools, nannies, cheap imported au pairs, after-school clubs, boarding schools, prisons, and giving one parent the bulk of the childcare. You’re considered loopy if you don’t take advantage of tthat

Say you believe a child should spend time with you, his father.  And let’s say the mother doesn’t want you to have him – usually for the sole reason you want to be with your child. She  doesn’t love you anymore so she doesn’t want you to get what you want AND she thinks it’s suspect that you want to be with her child, “after all, you showed no interest in the child before… blah, blah, blah…”

The Court judges the best parent the one who wants him or her the least. She’s the sensible one. And the one who takes his or her case to court obviously wants the most. The one who sues is crazy. That sounds insane but it’s true.

If a man like Dieter – as good a guy as I have met – take the word of the hundreds of mourners who packed St. John’s today – if a man like Dieter could be denied the right to help raise his son – well what hope does this society have?

The legal system of England and Wales doesn’t promote multiple parental participation. Once the court decides who is the main carer is, the other parent be damned. This works against mothers, too. I know a few mothers in just as bad positions as fathers, if not worse.

There are proposals being discussed right not to promote  “shared parenting”. That aint gonna happen. First, this society will have to allow people to want. Second, this society will have to not see children as burden.

So never, ever, go to court here. And never, ever, express a desire to see your children.

[The bitterness expressed here is a sign that I've not acclimated to living in England, after 12 years. I want something different than what is on offer. This proves I'm crazy.]

@lewisschaffer

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5 thoughts on “How to not see your child after a relationship breakdown in England.

  1. You say the rest of us won’t care, but you’ve made me care. I have two small boys and I’d be gutted to be shut out.

  2. This story is heart-rending. I’m chilled by how recent governments have gone out of their way to impose the state between the child and parents, and more so by the number of otherwise sensible people who think that it’s a perfectly reasonable thing to do. Undermining the parent-child relationship has been a hallmark of virtually every totalitarian regime since Robespierre’s post-revolutionary terror.

    The creeping undermining of men in general, and fathers in particular, has gained momentum in recent years. It’s fundamental that the family is seen as the building block of society – and as a cohesive unit. If the family is valued as an entire, the parts of fractured families will keep their social value: where fathers are seen as important to families, they will also be perceived as being important where the family is fractured. On the other hand, where the individual parts are devalued, the whole ceases to exist in any meaningful way. This is essentially where we’re headed.

    Will add Dieter to my prayers.

    1. I agree the state is weakening families so as to better control it’s people. A strong mother in relation to a weak father is still weaker than the two working together. Good points. Thanks for reading it and commenting. L

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