1:38 PM Monday 8 October 2012 Nunhead Heights
The British will always have bad teeth.
One, they don’t smile. Smiling moves the jaw back and places the bottom row of teeth behind the upper teeth, forming a natural brace. That creates the lovely shape which Americans are famous for.
Smiling also would expose their teeth to the whitening properties of the sun. Look at how beautiful African teeth are where the sun does shine and the people do smile? The sun doesn’t see British teeth very often.
Smiling uses too many muscles for the Brit and takes too much energy and is too much like work. The British don’t like to appear to be working as it seems too needy. They do work very hard, just out of sight and mostly for themselves.
The clenching of the teeth is also too determined, too insistent. It is much easier to just let the jaw drop. The British open their mouths only a little when they talk. That is why they make excellent ventriloquists.
‘I dare say so, my good man, you surely read the “Terms and Conditions”? Indeed.’ or ‘Me fink me want your iPhone, innit mate’ are uttered effortlessly. I’d hate to be a deaf person trying to read lips here.
Ask a Brit to show you his teeth and he puts the top row of teeth and the bottom together, meeting on the very top of the teeth, like a horse. An American will show you how his bottom teeth rest nicely behind his top teeth, like a beaver, with his side chewing teeth flush against the top teeth.
As you can tell, I am not a dentist and don’t know any of the technical dental terms.
Brits don’t have their wisdom teeth removed in the same numbers as Americans do. Ingrown wisdom teeth cause bunching up and push the other teeth out of whack, creating the snaggletooth affect. American dentists take them out just in case and to make a few dollars.
The British don’t smile because it would be telling.
They keep their cards close to the vest or in their vest, even though a ‘vest’ is something different here in Britain than in the USA. A vest here is one of those muscle t-shirts where a vest is something that goes under your suit jacket.
Perhaps a Brit won at the dog track or figured out some new bank scam to pull on their customers or a way to rip-off people who park their cars? Why let others know their good fortune with a big broad smile?
The last Brits who smiled too much were sent to Australia. Australians are genetically inbred smilers even though they’re originally British. That’s why they’ve got good teeth.
‘Good teeth’ to the British mean teeth that can chew. Or maybe even just having teeth! I can understand that because the British consume more sugar per person than any nation on earth and you can check that because I haven’t had the time or the inclination to even go to wikipedia. I believe that to be true but I am no journalist.
The British, especially the men, don’t want to seem to make an effort to look good because it will appear too wanty or needy. ‘I want doesn’t get’ is drummed into a child’s head and seeming to care about one’s appearances makes one seem to be social climbing.
In the United Kingdom, which is the political name for England, Scotland and a couple of other unimportant bits, even gay guys look friggin mess. You wouldn’t believe it. Author, raconteur, and Norwich Football supporter Stephen Fry is almost too painful to look at. Actually not but not exactly looking super-fit. And so is entire Liberal Democratic Party. And the Conservatives, too. Labour for that matter.
Finally, the British don’t need to care how they look. It is all decided before they get to the playing fields of Eton, anyway.
NB: These, of course, are gross generalisations, and may not apply to women, as women are separate species. And may not apply to certain places in the UK, such as Scunthorpe, or certain groups, such as stevedores. My teeth are considered “good” in Britain but are slightly below average in the USA.
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