3PM Sunday 9 March 2014 Nunhead Heights
Here in Britain, when the weather isn’t miserable it is called “glorious”. Glorious means the sun is shining for one entire day. It doesn’t take too much to make people here effuse about nice weather.
When the weather is lovely the people don’t like to stay inside. There are few things better to an Englishman than sitting in the garden of a pub and drinking.
Today is a glorious day and I want you to venture out to Leicester Square and see my show: Lewis Schaffer: American in London. I predict a low turnout but come anyway. Click here for information.
British weather is usually miserable but on the plus side it is seldom horrible. Horrible like it is the States with heat waves, cold snaps, ice storms, hurricanes, tornadoes, blizzards, earthquakes (if I can include that as weather).
British weather is miserable but not horrible. Like the people: miserable but not horrible. Americans can be horrible but seldom are they miserable. “Where seldom is heard a discouraging word” goes the song.
Last night I made British people even more miserable. I had a spot on a fundraiser gig for a £28,000-a-year boarding school. Yeah, I know. Do they need the money from a comedy event?
I have been asked to do benefits before and – except for my appearance at the Resonance FM Resofit – every one of them was for evil. Most particularly was JK Rowling’s pet project “One Parent Families” or something. I don’t remember the name but its unstated goal was to promote fatherless families.
I consider the Caterham School evil because I know that the kids of that school are going to be denying my children jobs.
Robin Ince, also doing a spot, seemed to struggle to find the motivation to entertain them. He did well, contrary to what he wrote in his blog. He was professional and did his job even though he wasn’t appreciated as he should have been.
I don’t have a recording of last night and I don’t remember much.
I think I shouted, I hope relatively good naturedly, “You’re all shit, shit, shit!” and the line about how their kids were going to deny my kids a job and that America is a better country than theirs.
On the way out, a few of the parents expressed true hatred for me. One screamed at me, I could feel his belly pressing against mine, calling me a ‘racist’ and saying he was an American, too, but was totally offended blah blah. He had a stronger English accent than Madonna.
Some must have thought I was brilliant because I shook a few hands.
They must have liked being told how miserable they are, or happy to see an American struggle, or pleased to see anyone struggle, or they were just secure in the knowledge that they are doing well enough to send their children to a school which costs £28,000-a-year and that their children probably won’t have to work for my children.
I have got to rush off to see my future unemployed son play football, which is one thing he does reasonably well and probably better than the children who go to Caterham School.
See me tonight Sunday: Lewis Schaffer: American in London 8.30PM at the Leicester Square Theatre.