3:00PM Wednesday 12 March 2014 Nunhead Heights

Saturday, the 8th March 2014, I did a benefit gig for and at the Caterham School in Caterham to parents of the school’s children. The school costs these parents £28,000-a-year per student. Caterham is on the edge of London. I live in South London. I wrote that it was a debacle.

Heather Stevens was there to witness and record it. Here is some of what I said and what happened. I’m probably going to regret posting this and take it down soon, so enjoy it while it is up.

Yeah I’m fucking nervous.
Wouldn’t you be nervous?
I’m a long way from home,
performing for a room full of people whose children
will deny my children jobs.
You can fuck your private fucking education.
You can fuck it up your fucking ass.
I should have said this at the end when I’m leaving,
but I hate you motherfuckers.
I hate everything about this country.
You’re shit, shit, shit,
and the more I tell you you’re shit
the more you’ll just laugh,
because you think you’re so fucking amazing.
You’re just shit.
You’re the most arrogant race of people in the entire world.

You think you’re the funniest people in the world.
You’re not funny.
You’re not even a good audience
Your arms are crossed.
You’re in a fucking coma.
You’re just shit.
Doing comedy for you people
is like making love to a woman in a coma.
I mean fuck it
I’m gonna keep on going.

You’re the most grumpy,
most miserable people in the world.
It’s like today.
You say today was a “glorious day”.
Glorious day, right?
No, it just wasn’t fucking miserable.
So you’ll say it was glorious
because you’ll settle for something, anything.
In America,
the weather can be horrible but it’s rarely miserable.
And here, the weather is almost always miserable
and rarely horrible,
just like you people.
You’re just miserable.
You’re rarely horrible.

I hope I haven’t unleashed too much hostility on you people.
Lisa made the mistake of paying me in advance.

I left out some of the funny bits, or so I hope. My apologies to the people of the Caterham School and to Britain, in general.

Come see me in London every Sunday. Lewis Schaffer: American in London. I am usually less hostile. 

For all your expat tax preparation, contact www.britishamericantax.com and ask for Liz.