2PM Monday 21 July 2014 Nunhead Heights


My last press release was “nothing short of genius” according ​to ​Simmy Richman in the Independent on Sunday. Read his piece here.

Lewis Ed 14 flyer
Here are four more reasons why my show “Success Is Not An Option” will not be a success. Click here for the original eight reasons.

9. Most people, upon having a piece of publicity material described as “genius” by a national newspaper, would then try to follow it up with something bigger, better and totally fresh.

I’m just rehashing the same thing and hoping that those of you that ignored me last time will pay attention to me. Einstein supposedly said that the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results. I’m not insane, because I know that this is going to fail; you people never pay attention to me. I’m just desperate. Please pay attention to me.

10. My poster doesn’t have any quotes or stars from reviewers.

You, from the The Times, The Guardian, and The Telegraph, have never reviewed any of my shows. ​

BuyA5StarReview.com only gave me 3 stars.

My biggest supporter in the press, Kate Copstick of The Scotsman, has only ever given me four stars even though we had the closest thing to a sexual interaction that I, as a crumbling 57-year-old man, am capable of having with another human being. You can read about that on John Fleming’s blog here and then give me five stars to save yourself from the same ​fate.

11. I decided against using Stewart Lee’s quote about me – “Naked hostility and self-loathing” – or Daniel Kitson’s – “The logical conclusion of all stand-up comedy” – or Marc Maron’s – “Very bitter and weird” and “Not that good” – because name-dropping is the lowest form of self-promotion and I value my integrity.

12. The Relatives wrote a song about my going to Edinburgh and said the number one reason I would fail at​ ​the fringe was that I was a “jerk”. They performed the song on my radio show, Nunhead American Radio with Lewis Schaffer, broadcast on Resonance 104.4FM. Watch it here – it is brilliant. Or listen with better quality on SoundCloud. Go to minute 24:57

Here are the lyrics to sing along with:

Lewis Schaffer was writing his Edinburgh show
Knew in his heart no one would go
Hasn’t got a bob for publicity, no
Only got five quid to blow
Success is not an option

Success is not an option
Success is not an option
He’s gonna bomb at the Edinburgh Fringe

He’s written a list why it won’t work
But he missed out number one:
He’s a jerk
The other comedians are going to smirk,
Looks like he’s gonna have to learn to twerk
Success is not an option

Success is not an option
Success is not an option
He’s gonna bomb at the Edinburgh Fringe

Well what’s gonna happen to his radio show?
It’s been five years but nobody knows
The team of five, all ready to go
But does he ever listen?
The answer is “no”
Success is not an option

Success is not an option
Success is not an option
He’s gonna bomb at the Edinburgh Fringe

Thank you for reading this far. If you tell me you have read to the end I will use my £5 publicity budget to buy you a drink in Edinburgh.

Let the love flow,
Lewis Schaffer

Lewis Schaffer: Success Is Not An Option
Heroes @ The Hive, 15-17 Niddry Street, EH1 1LG (Venue 313)
Every day from 31st July to 24th August (except 12th & 19th August)
7:45PM (19:45) (50 minutes)
Be prepared. Lewis Schaffer isn’t. ​ ​
An hour of your life you’ll never get back. A lifetime of his completely wasted.

Star of Resonance FM’s Nunhead American Radio.
£5 in advance or just show up and pay what you want on exit.
Book now to guarantee a seat:

@lewisschaffer on twitter

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