3PM 22 August 2014 Edinburgh Fringe

This is my open letter to John Fleming, organizer of the increasingly prestigious Malcolm Hardee Awards tonight 22nd August 2014 23:30 at the Counting House.

Dear Mr. Fleming,

It has come to my attention that tonight’s increasingly prestigious Malcolm Hardee Comedy Awards ceremony and ‘show’ will feature ‘comedians’ who have been invited to offer an impersonation of Lewis Schaffer(TM). It is my belief that your intention is to use my likeness and its reproduction for unauthorised commercial purposes.

My permission has not been sought and will not be authorised.

This year has been my worst at Edinburgh Fringe. The comedy industry thinks it can profit from my misfortune. ‘Reviewers’ in your rank have to their delight noted about my 2014 show:

‘A therapy group’

‘The fetid picture in the attic of comedy’

‘Described as a comic’

I am a performance artist, not a comedian, as proven by the lack of discernible laughter at my show ‘Success Is Not An Option‘ (19:45, to Sunday 24th August, The Hive, Niddry Street, £5 or pay-what-you-want).

I give everything to my art and audience and what have I gotten for it? I will return back to Nunhead next week in financial ruin and a broken man. I cannot afford to pay this winter’s heating bills, mortgage, or my children’s child support.

Yet you will use my likeness to fund-raise for Ms Kate Copstick’s charity Mama Biashara that encourages sex workers in Africa to replace penetrative sex with soapy titty wanks. They say charity begins at home. What about me? I’ve lived in the UK for 14 years without claiming any benefits.

Everyone else in the comedy industry picks at me like a flea picks at an infected cist on an elephant. I’m given no credit, and no money. If you respected me you would, at least, nominate me for one of your awards.

My shows are about giving myself to my fans, especially at my extended run at the Leicester Square Theatre. Isn’t it time you all gave something to me?

I’ve spoken to my lawyers (Schwartz, Schwartz & Schwartz, Inc.) who’ve advised they will issue a formal cease and desist notice banning tonight’s performance of the Lewis Schaffer impersonation contest UNLESS THE AFOREMENTIONED SOAPY TITTY WANK IS PROVIDED BY MS COPSTICK BEFORE THE END OF EDINBURGH FRINGE, OR A GRATUITY PAYMENT MADE IN LIEU OF HER HAVING TO DO THAT TO ME.

Yours sincerely,

Lewis Schaffer

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